[Story] Morthorn’s Notes

Am I happy? Hethurin asked me that the last time I was at the school. I’d come to call on him mostly, as it’s been a very long time since we’ve spoken. He says he’s been busy, but even then things seem different between us. That may be because he’s talking to Terellion instead, or it may be something else, something more troubling. He was saying very strange things, dark visions of himself dying or having never existed. I don’t think they’re dreams, exactly, but he was totally convinced that they were real. Well, not real, he said they were things that could have happened, but didn’t. Even Des seems to have bought into this fantasy, which gives me more concern. I don’t know if she truly believes it, or if she’s simply afraid to upset him. He mentioned some noises the other night, and suggested they might be ghosts. I think Des’s idea about the cats being rowdy is much more likely. Old buildings, like old people, tend to be creaky especially in the cold.

I came to see Lani too of course, but we didn’t really have any opportunity to talk. Evidently the students and Hethurin are going to Shattrath next week, so we’ll have a little more privacy. Lani suggested that I come up for dinner during that week, and we can eat at the little table in the kitchen that overlooks the garden, we just have to let Tik know that he needs to cook for us. I suspect we’ll talk about the usual things, and the evening will end in the usual way. I suppose I might be able to stay at the school, since the guest rooms should be empty. But then I’ll have to walk back in the morning anyway, to visit the others on my route. I’ve put up a notice in Tranquillien, as I’ve seen a few more houses slowly coming to life along the roads. I’m sure there’s someone in them who has need of someone to talk to.

I don’t know if I’m happy. I didn’t answer, and thankfully he didn’t push the subject any further. I don’t think I’m unhappy — at least, most of the time. But I’m still unsure about all of this. It’s unfair to ask more of Lani, because I know she’s not comfortable with that. And at the same time, I’m not completely sure what I expect either. There are times when I simply want to take the chance and see what might happen, but then I remember what she’s said before about wanting to be married first. I’m definitely not ready for that. Would she move into my tiny, dusty chapel? Of course not. And the school is too far away for my patients, not to mention that her sister is living there. And a whole school full of other people right next door. I think she liked the book that I got here. I couldn’t be sure, although she did ask if the author had any others. Next time I’m in the city I will have to look. I don’t even know what else she’d like. Maybe I should write using the pen that she got me, but I’m afraid it would turn out all wrong. It was never this difficult before.


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