[Story] Morthorn’s Notes

Avoiding the problem won’t solve it. The past can’t be changed. And you certainly won’t find any answers in the bottom of a wine bottle. It’s easy to find solutions for other people, not so easy when it’s yourself. And I know all of this, I’ve told myself a hundred times, yet here I am doing it anyway. I went to see my other patients with a throbbing headache — yet another reason I should stop doing this. I shouldn’t say my “other” patients, because she isn’t one. She reminded me of that again, hadn’t she? I felt that I ought to go and apologize, or at the very least find out if she hates me. It would make things awkward at the new building, that’s if she even would allow me to have an office there. I could always come back here, it’s where I’ve been for years now.

She invited me in, that was a good sign. I thought I might have to shiver on the doorstep. She actually had wine there at the house, which surprised me because she never drinks any. I suppose her sister had brought it. I hope she doesn’t mind that I had some — only a little, I probably should have just had water but I’m not known for making the best decisions of late. But she said she isn’t angry with me, she thought that she’d done something wrong. I told her that I’m just a bit anxious about all of this, but of course she is too, just for different reasons. She wanted to know what I was afraid of. That’s a very good question, one that I’ve thought about often. I don’t think it’s that I’m afraid she won’t like me, rather the opposite. I’m afraid of what might happen if she does. Part of me feels that I’d be betraying them by moving on, which is ridiculous — it’s been ten years. And I don’t expect that they’d want me to be alone forever, even if that is simpler. Lani thought it was because her family is trouble, though that may be part of it. I’ve seen the way her father was watching me, and I’ve heard from Hethurin what he went through. I think anyone would be a bit un-nerved by that. I don’t want her to feel that she can’t talk to me about her worries, everyone has problems and things they need help with. I listen to other peoples’ problems all day, but I still have time to hear hers. I just don’t know how to separate the confessor part of me in order to do so. It might  not be possible, I hope it won’t cause any problems later on.

I did kiss her. It wasn’t very romantic at all, because I’d asked to make sure that’s what she wanted right before. Hopefully next time it will be better. I mean, not that it was bad. I think she was a little surprised, and her ears got really red. I have a feeling the whole school will know about it by the time I come back.

 

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